I am just now approaching this blog again after 5 months. Unfortunately, I've not made more physical progress towards my goal, but I have made mental/emotional headway.
Reading my first post of that "revelation" back in April was good - I'm glad I recorded all those thoughts at the time. Now I just need to keep it up!
My more recent progress has been in further investigation and conclusions. A friend who started out at about the same weight (just 10 pounds less) had a gastric bypass operation about 6 months ago and is now down to half her size. (Yes, I'm wildly jealous!) I had a long discussion with her about the whole thing and I felt scared, motivated and encouraged all at the same time. Even if the cost wasn't a factor (lap band is $12,500 and gastric bypass is $30,000!!), I have a real hard time with the idea of choosing a surgery option. Then to consider the life-long changes to all things food related...it's definitely a major, drastic decision. I have done 30- and 40-day fasts before, so I know what it's like to get into the mindset of "I just don't do that" when it comes to eating. But to think of *never* eating again - only consuming 4oz. shakes, vitamins, water and the occasional cracker - I don't know if I'm prepared to be that drastic. Maybe I'm not scared "enough", but I can't honestly say I've exhausted every other option. And I can't turn to surgery unless I truly believe it's a LAST resort for my survival.
Taking a good look at that whole thing was interesting, though. I took into consideration the idea that I may not be successful without surgery. After all, look where I am "on my own". Maybe I do need surgical intervention to save myself from myself. Would it really be that bad? Wouldn't it even be far better to never eat normal food again than to live like I am now?? Well, I do not believe that the surgery option is for me at this point, but I have considered that if I don't do something serious, I may be forced into something like it. But, it's up to me to make the drastic changes on my own. Am I up to the challenge? That is the question, isn't it?
One thing that struck me when I spoke with my friend, is that her attitude was/is not "let's see how thin I can get and how fast". Her motivation and goal was to "get healthy". In looking at things from that perspective, it can change anything and everything. Is sitting at the computer for hours on end healthy? Is eating just carbs and fat all day healthy? Is it healthy to not drink at least 6-8 glasses of water a day? These are a few of the questions that, if I answer them honestly, will cause me to make some changes. It's really got me starting to examine everything in a new light. Considering my motivations for losing weight are all linked to getting healthy (thin is just part of the picture), I DO need to examine everything and hold it up to this question. And, fortunately, it keeps things in balance at the same time.
IN BALANCE is what I've always felt was the right way to do things, but haven't always made the effort to achieve it. It has been what has kept me from following most diets I ever looked at, though. They all seem so out of balance. They weren't a lifestyle change I could see myself adopting, just some weird food control for a short time to lose pounds, but not something that could be maintained long term. Then what? We all know the answer to that: the pounds come back and bring some new friends, too. Not that my current lifestyle/eating is in balance....far from it! I currently do whatever the voices tell me to do ;o) Seriously, though, most of my actions are not planned. I don't live purposely - my time is not scheduled well, my eating is done mostly by bad instincts, I have no goals set - I just bumble through my days completely out of balance and without focus. No wonder I'm twice the size and half the productivity that I should be! The flesh has it's own agenda.
OK, here I've blathered on about my more recent thoughts, but I still have no plan.
What I am going to be focusing on right now is to gain the "get healthy" mentality. I'm going to be looking at ALL my actions and holding them up to the question: "is this healthy?" I also am going to establish some goals and map the plan to achieve them. I hope to be back on here in the next few days and have some positive, forward motion to report.
For now, I'm going to get moving. Talk to you soon.
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