First of all, I can't believe how long it's been since I started this blog, nor how long it's been since I posted something. Geez...
At least this time I can say I'm actually making progress towards my ultimate goal. At 25 pounds, it's just a small portion of the amount I'm working to lose, but at least it's progress!
What finally made the difference? A few things, I think.
1. I have become more aware of how my life is passing before me. My FAT life. If I'm going to be able to do all the things I want to do, I really need to be thin (at least thinnER). With my daughters both getting through high school/college now, I'm feeling more and more like it's time for my life to get going again. It's interesting, because I didn't realize how much I kind of felt like I'd put it on "hold". No idea why... guess it was just all the homeschooling commitments. But now that those are over, I guess I've regained some freedom or control or something. I can't say I have a genuine vision for it all yet, but I'm moving forward. At least getting done with all the household stuff that's been overlooked for a long time (cleaning out clutter and organizing). When that's all done, I'll REALLY feel some freedom! It doesn't take a psychologist to see the parallels in this. I'm really looking forward to my physical freedom as the physical "clutter" disappears, too!
2. My being able to go on a trip to Prague with my daughter's school group was some timely motivation. I was hoping to be down at least 30 pounds by the time I got on the plane. I'm now down 25 and have only a week before takeoff, so I might make 30 and I might not, but I'm happy with the 25 right now. I'm getting into smaller clothes and feeling better.
3. The next motivating factor for me is my 25th wedding anniversary in June. I hope to be down by 50 pounds by then. At that point, I hope to spend some quality time in a hotel with my husband. It's been a long time since I've been on top, and I'm looking forward to feeling comfortble with that again. I think at 50 pounds lighter I will (I hope). TMI???
Beyond all that, I'm assuming the motivation of just losing the rest will be enough to keep me going. If not, I'll set some more timeframe-based goals.
Either way, I'm completely committed to moving forward and maintaining the changes necessary to keep the weight off. I'm getting rid of each piece of clothing as it becomes too large and am enjoying the "bridge burning" aspect of it all. As difficult as making dietary changes has been, I feel like I've finally arrived at the place where I can say "nothing tastes as good as thin feels". I've heard others say that, but now I've begun to taste that for myself. Finally!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Friday, June 20, 2008
Half-My-Size *BY* Twice-My-Productivity
I've come to some realizations. Well, one big one, anyway: I've been a professional, world-class procrastinator. I've taken procrastination to all new levels. It's incredible what I've put off over the years. In fact, it's hard to think what even remotely significant thing I haven't procrastinated. Even if it's not the entire activity, certainly portions of it were procrastinated. Take cleaning the kitchen for example... while I might unload/load the dishwasher, wash the other dishes and wipe down the counters, I would usually leave some items out of place on the counter. These are things that were set there to be dealt with or put away "later". Instead of just dealing with them, I would choose to "do it later" and just clean around them. Why? Because putting them away consisted of walking them up the stairs into the pantry, or down the stairs into the garage, or the item might even need a decision about where it needs to go because it has no "home". These would be the worst offenders around the house: those homeless objects. My procrastination would have me put off making a decision about where it belongs....indefinitely! If it weren't for the times when someone would be coming over or I just decide to finally do a thorough job of cleaning, I'd be drowning in homeless objects all around the house. The question one might ask is, "why take so long to make these decisions?" Therein lies the true question that goes deep into the procrastination root system. Why put off til later what can be done right now?? It's in my hand....it needs to be put somewhere....why not just deal with it at this time? WHY SET IT BACK DOWN FOR LATER???!!!
Well, I can't say I've got a single answer about the WHY of it all. I can say, however, that I've prayed about it, I've read a really good booklet by someone who has overcome a procrastination problem, and I'm attempting to rid my life of this invasive beast one decision at a time. With God's direction and strength I know I can do it. It's a little daunting, now that I've really looked and seen a lot of the areas this beast has infiltrated, but God is bigger than the boogie man!!
Now, for the other aspect to this whole thing: how does this tie into the Half-My-Size thing? Well, it's all a part of the lifestyle. Idleness has not only reduced my productivity, it's also tremendously increased my size. SO many things around this house do not get done (either in a timely manner or at all), and yet I seem to have hours of time to SIT and WIDEN. The two things are not mutually exclusive conditions. In fact, I believe they are one big problem that has one simple solution. The problem is a lack of productivity. The solution is "Do It Now".
Even a person with no procrastination tendencies would tell you that "everything" can't be done "now". I'm not being that literal. Instead, I intend to use it as my mantra simply to eliminate the mindset of "I'll Deal With That Later". As God helps to reveal the times I slip into the thought of "IDWTL", I will combat it with my new "DIN" action. Like I said, it seems daunting now just because the IDWTL fruit is everywhere. But I'm encouraged because I do see some DIN fruit now, too. Long-discussed projects are finally being done. Areas of clutter are staying cleared. I'm spending much less time just sitting, so I'm also getting good movement (I try not to think of things as exercise because it sounds like something I dread).
All in all, DIN productivity will replace IDWTL idleness and the corresponding movement will help to bring about my long-procrastinated weight loss. Sounds like a win-win-win!
Well, I can't say I've got a single answer about the WHY of it all. I can say, however, that I've prayed about it, I've read a really good booklet by someone who has overcome a procrastination problem, and I'm attempting to rid my life of this invasive beast one decision at a time. With God's direction and strength I know I can do it. It's a little daunting, now that I've really looked and seen a lot of the areas this beast has infiltrated, but God is bigger than the boogie man!!
Now, for the other aspect to this whole thing: how does this tie into the Half-My-Size thing? Well, it's all a part of the lifestyle. Idleness has not only reduced my productivity, it's also tremendously increased my size. SO many things around this house do not get done (either in a timely manner or at all), and yet I seem to have hours of time to SIT and WIDEN. The two things are not mutually exclusive conditions. In fact, I believe they are one big problem that has one simple solution. The problem is a lack of productivity. The solution is "Do It Now".
Even a person with no procrastination tendencies would tell you that "everything" can't be done "now". I'm not being that literal. Instead, I intend to use it as my mantra simply to eliminate the mindset of "I'll Deal With That Later". As God helps to reveal the times I slip into the thought of "IDWTL", I will combat it with my new "DIN" action. Like I said, it seems daunting now just because the IDWTL fruit is everywhere. But I'm encouraged because I do see some DIN fruit now, too. Long-discussed projects are finally being done. Areas of clutter are staying cleared. I'm spending much less time just sitting, so I'm also getting good movement (I try not to think of things as exercise because it sounds like something I dread).
All in all, DIN productivity will replace IDWTL idleness and the corresponding movement will help to bring about my long-procrastinated weight loss. Sounds like a win-win-win!
Sunday, February 10, 2008
A Plan!....kind of
So, in looking at my posts regarding motivation and self-examination, I think I've finally crossed into the place where I have a PLAN. Well...kind of. My plan is really just having a fixed set of small goals and working towards them. I'm keeping track of my progress on Sparkpeople.com and if I can keep up the 2-pounds-off-per-week pace, I'll be down to my first goal in June: 50 pounds lighter!
I've started "diet plans" so many times and never stuck with them, but I'm not letting that stop me. I want to give myself some lee-way and know I can make the changes if I just take "baby steps". I can't expect to change everything all at once, and I certainly expect to make mistakes along the way, so I'm not kicking myself for lack of perfection. (But that's easier said than done!) No matter what, I'm going to keep going forward and making some amount of changes each day. Keeping calories controlled, increasing movement and drinking more water -- these are the basics I'm working on. Helping that to happen, I'm only eating (smaller portions) when hungry, I limit how much time I sit at my desk (regularly get up and do something around the house), and I keep a glass of water going throughout the day. There's certainly more I can do in time, but for now these are the baby-step building blocks I'm starting with.
I'm also going to be checking in with some others on SparkPeople who are going through this same type of journey. I hope to be inspired, encouraged and maybe get some pointers.
My first week's weigh-in is tomorrow morning. I'll let you know how I do!
I've started "diet plans" so many times and never stuck with them, but I'm not letting that stop me. I want to give myself some lee-way and know I can make the changes if I just take "baby steps". I can't expect to change everything all at once, and I certainly expect to make mistakes along the way, so I'm not kicking myself for lack of perfection. (But that's easier said than done!) No matter what, I'm going to keep going forward and making some amount of changes each day. Keeping calories controlled, increasing movement and drinking more water -- these are the basics I'm working on. Helping that to happen, I'm only eating (smaller portions) when hungry, I limit how much time I sit at my desk (regularly get up and do something around the house), and I keep a glass of water going throughout the day. There's certainly more I can do in time, but for now these are the baby-step building blocks I'm starting with.
I'm also going to be checking in with some others on SparkPeople who are going through this same type of journey. I hope to be inspired, encouraged and maybe get some pointers.
My first week's weigh-in is tomorrow morning. I'll let you know how I do!
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
The journey continues to come into focus....
I am just now approaching this blog again after 5 months. Unfortunately, I've not made more physical progress towards my goal, but I have made mental/emotional headway.
Reading my first post of that "revelation" back in April was good - I'm glad I recorded all those thoughts at the time. Now I just need to keep it up!
My more recent progress has been in further investigation and conclusions. A friend who started out at about the same weight (just 10 pounds less) had a gastric bypass operation about 6 months ago and is now down to half her size. (Yes, I'm wildly jealous!) I had a long discussion with her about the whole thing and I felt scared, motivated and encouraged all at the same time. Even if the cost wasn't a factor (lap band is $12,500 and gastric bypass is $30,000!!), I have a real hard time with the idea of choosing a surgery option. Then to consider the life-long changes to all things food related...it's definitely a major, drastic decision. I have done 30- and 40-day fasts before, so I know what it's like to get into the mindset of "I just don't do that" when it comes to eating. But to think of *never* eating again - only consuming 4oz. shakes, vitamins, water and the occasional cracker - I don't know if I'm prepared to be that drastic. Maybe I'm not scared "enough", but I can't honestly say I've exhausted every other option. And I can't turn to surgery unless I truly believe it's a LAST resort for my survival.
Taking a good look at that whole thing was interesting, though. I took into consideration the idea that I may not be successful without surgery. After all, look where I am "on my own". Maybe I do need surgical intervention to save myself from myself. Would it really be that bad? Wouldn't it even be far better to never eat normal food again than to live like I am now?? Well, I do not believe that the surgery option is for me at this point, but I have considered that if I don't do something serious, I may be forced into something like it. But, it's up to me to make the drastic changes on my own. Am I up to the challenge? That is the question, isn't it?
One thing that struck me when I spoke with my friend, is that her attitude was/is not "let's see how thin I can get and how fast". Her motivation and goal was to "get healthy". In looking at things from that perspective, it can change anything and everything. Is sitting at the computer for hours on end healthy? Is eating just carbs and fat all day healthy? Is it healthy to not drink at least 6-8 glasses of water a day? These are a few of the questions that, if I answer them honestly, will cause me to make some changes. It's really got me starting to examine everything in a new light. Considering my motivations for losing weight are all linked to getting healthy (thin is just part of the picture), I DO need to examine everything and hold it up to this question. And, fortunately, it keeps things in balance at the same time.
IN BALANCE is what I've always felt was the right way to do things, but haven't always made the effort to achieve it. It has been what has kept me from following most diets I ever looked at, though. They all seem so out of balance. They weren't a lifestyle change I could see myself adopting, just some weird food control for a short time to lose pounds, but not something that could be maintained long term. Then what? We all know the answer to that: the pounds come back and bring some new friends, too. Not that my current lifestyle/eating is in balance....far from it! I currently do whatever the voices tell me to do ;o) Seriously, though, most of my actions are not planned. I don't live purposely - my time is not scheduled well, my eating is done mostly by bad instincts, I have no goals set - I just bumble through my days completely out of balance and without focus. No wonder I'm twice the size and half the productivity that I should be! The flesh has it's own agenda.
OK, here I've blathered on about my more recent thoughts, but I still have no plan.
What I am going to be focusing on right now is to gain the "get healthy" mentality. I'm going to be looking at ALL my actions and holding them up to the question: "is this healthy?" I also am going to establish some goals and map the plan to achieve them. I hope to be back on here in the next few days and have some positive, forward motion to report.
For now, I'm going to get moving. Talk to you soon.
Reading my first post of that "revelation" back in April was good - I'm glad I recorded all those thoughts at the time. Now I just need to keep it up!
My more recent progress has been in further investigation and conclusions. A friend who started out at about the same weight (just 10 pounds less) had a gastric bypass operation about 6 months ago and is now down to half her size. (Yes, I'm wildly jealous!) I had a long discussion with her about the whole thing and I felt scared, motivated and encouraged all at the same time. Even if the cost wasn't a factor (lap band is $12,500 and gastric bypass is $30,000!!), I have a real hard time with the idea of choosing a surgery option. Then to consider the life-long changes to all things food related...it's definitely a major, drastic decision. I have done 30- and 40-day fasts before, so I know what it's like to get into the mindset of "I just don't do that" when it comes to eating. But to think of *never* eating again - only consuming 4oz. shakes, vitamins, water and the occasional cracker - I don't know if I'm prepared to be that drastic. Maybe I'm not scared "enough", but I can't honestly say I've exhausted every other option. And I can't turn to surgery unless I truly believe it's a LAST resort for my survival.
Taking a good look at that whole thing was interesting, though. I took into consideration the idea that I may not be successful without surgery. After all, look where I am "on my own". Maybe I do need surgical intervention to save myself from myself. Would it really be that bad? Wouldn't it even be far better to never eat normal food again than to live like I am now?? Well, I do not believe that the surgery option is for me at this point, but I have considered that if I don't do something serious, I may be forced into something like it. But, it's up to me to make the drastic changes on my own. Am I up to the challenge? That is the question, isn't it?
One thing that struck me when I spoke with my friend, is that her attitude was/is not "let's see how thin I can get and how fast". Her motivation and goal was to "get healthy". In looking at things from that perspective, it can change anything and everything. Is sitting at the computer for hours on end healthy? Is eating just carbs and fat all day healthy? Is it healthy to not drink at least 6-8 glasses of water a day? These are a few of the questions that, if I answer them honestly, will cause me to make some changes. It's really got me starting to examine everything in a new light. Considering my motivations for losing weight are all linked to getting healthy (thin is just part of the picture), I DO need to examine everything and hold it up to this question. And, fortunately, it keeps things in balance at the same time.
IN BALANCE is what I've always felt was the right way to do things, but haven't always made the effort to achieve it. It has been what has kept me from following most diets I ever looked at, though. They all seem so out of balance. They weren't a lifestyle change I could see myself adopting, just some weird food control for a short time to lose pounds, but not something that could be maintained long term. Then what? We all know the answer to that: the pounds come back and bring some new friends, too. Not that my current lifestyle/eating is in balance....far from it! I currently do whatever the voices tell me to do ;o) Seriously, though, most of my actions are not planned. I don't live purposely - my time is not scheduled well, my eating is done mostly by bad instincts, I have no goals set - I just bumble through my days completely out of balance and without focus. No wonder I'm twice the size and half the productivity that I should be! The flesh has it's own agenda.
OK, here I've blathered on about my more recent thoughts, but I still have no plan.
What I am going to be focusing on right now is to gain the "get healthy" mentality. I'm going to be looking at ALL my actions and holding them up to the question: "is this healthy?" I also am going to establish some goals and map the plan to achieve them. I hope to be back on here in the next few days and have some positive, forward motion to report.
For now, I'm going to get moving. Talk to you soon.
Monday, April 30, 2007
First Blog/First Revelation
So here I am starting a blog about losing weight. Actually, it's more about my revelations found in the process of losing weight. Maybe that's the same thing...oh well. I had an interesting predicament last night and know it's significant. I'd like to make it a turning point rather than just a moment, so I decided to start a blog and add to it regularly as things like this come up. Who knows, maybe I'll turn it into a book someday.
I've never thought about it in these terms before, but I've needed to lose "some" amount of weight for as long as I can remember. Over the years the amount I've needed to lose has increased, but I don't remember a time when I wasn't considered fat, heavy, whatever you want to call it. Obese came later, but I was never "thin". Certainly when I was in grade school and high school the amount I was overweight was considerably less - probably topped out at about 20-30 pounds or so - but I don't remember ever thinking I was a "good/normal" weight. And don't get me wrong - it wasn't just me having a bad self image. I'm not one of those girls who considers every 1/2 a pound to be something worth monitoring and laboring over. I was made to feel different-in-a-bad-way from my earliest memories. I can specifically remember being told regularly to suck in my stomach, at times being told "you don't need that" in regards to food...stuff like that. And it was only me - not my "normal" brother or my "tiny" sister. My older sister had a completely different build than I did and she was always petite. The smallest sizes made were what she would have to find. I, on the other hand, had to find the large sizes. I even remember looking in the "husky" section to find pants that would fit my frame. There was nothing petite about me. Honestly, looking back at pictures, I see that I was a little bigger than average, but nothing worth making a big deal about. I certainly "felt" like I was fatter than pictures show that I was. Too bad, really. How much of what we think of ourselves becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy?
OK, I'll probably expound on that more in the future, but for now I want to write what happened last night.
I was up late and was getting really hungry. I've been doing a cleansing diet (Isagenix) and wasn't supposed to be eating anything more for the day, but I started bargaining with myself because I was really hungry! So there I am, the only one still awake in the house, I'm on the computer, feeling really hungry and I start thinking through all the possible things in the kitchen I could eat. That's when I come across some emails from a recent retreat I'd been to. The emails were posting some pictures of the retreat and the ones that included me were... surprising. I don't live in complete denial of how heavy I am, but there's got to be at least some partial denial because I didn't expect to see what I saw. I can say it was partly the angle the picture was taken from, or it was the outfit I was wearing (black would have been more slimming), but there is only one excuse for what I saw: I'm really fat! In fact, my first thoughts were "why didn't someone stop me?". As if "people" should have kept me from eating. Considering that I hated it when mom would say "you don't need that"...would I have listened? Some kind of intervention might sound good, but I can't imagine it would have worked. OK, so here I am being shocked over the pictures, but I still need to get to the point where I had my revelation... I'm sitting there looking at pictures of me and being horrified, and at the same time I'm bargaining with myself about what I'm considering eating because my stomach is growling. It took a few minutes, but I finally looked at the two thoughts and decided that they needed to not be separate - I needed to see that one was/would be affecting the other. I'm desperately wishing I was a smaller size, but I'm also still wishing I had something to eat! I'm not stupid. I "know" that my eating affects my size, but sometimes I guess I really put it out of my mind. You know, like when it's convenient. Like when I want to eat something that is only going to add to my waistline (or thighs or butt or arms...pick a body part). So what I had to do was force myself to make the choice: live in the moment and feed my hungry stomach, OR keep the goal in mind and say "no" to food so that being a smaller size could become reality. It was a really hard thing to do! My mind didn't want to accept that it really was one or the other - that it couldn't be both! I finally decided to just go to bed. I didn't even trust myself to prepare a lunch for my daughter's school the next day. I didn't even trust myself to turn on the light in the kitchen! I just walked in the dark right past the items I had bargained about earlier and went to bed, putting them out of my mind.
So, what I guess I learned through all this is how I really need to remember the goal and know how much each of my actions affects whether or not I ever achieve that goal. Sounds simple enough, but my revelation showed how double minded I can be. The scripture "a double minded man is unstable in all his ways" comes to mind. Unstable doesn't sound obese, but that's how it's worked out for me. I'm very good at putting things off until later (yes, I know it's called procrastination), and I think that's part of this double minded thing, too. If I even begin to realize that my eating a particular thing is going to jeopardize my goal of losing weight, my "I'll deal with that later" thing kicks in and relieves me of the current dilemma. How screwed up is that?! Well, realizing the problem is the first step, right? My prayer now is that God would show me when I'm doing this and that He give me the strength to make the connection - then make the right decision. I'm assuming that God is the one to show me this in the first place, so I'll end this first blog appropriately with: THANK YOU, GOD, FOR GIVING ME THIS FIRST OF MANY VICTORIES IN MY BATTLE OVER MY BULGE(S)!
I've never thought about it in these terms before, but I've needed to lose "some" amount of weight for as long as I can remember. Over the years the amount I've needed to lose has increased, but I don't remember a time when I wasn't considered fat, heavy, whatever you want to call it. Obese came later, but I was never "thin". Certainly when I was in grade school and high school the amount I was overweight was considerably less - probably topped out at about 20-30 pounds or so - but I don't remember ever thinking I was a "good/normal" weight. And don't get me wrong - it wasn't just me having a bad self image. I'm not one of those girls who considers every 1/2 a pound to be something worth monitoring and laboring over. I was made to feel different-in-a-bad-way from my earliest memories. I can specifically remember being told regularly to suck in my stomach, at times being told "you don't need that" in regards to food...stuff like that. And it was only me - not my "normal" brother or my "tiny" sister. My older sister had a completely different build than I did and she was always petite. The smallest sizes made were what she would have to find. I, on the other hand, had to find the large sizes. I even remember looking in the "husky" section to find pants that would fit my frame. There was nothing petite about me. Honestly, looking back at pictures, I see that I was a little bigger than average, but nothing worth making a big deal about. I certainly "felt" like I was fatter than pictures show that I was. Too bad, really. How much of what we think of ourselves becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy?
OK, I'll probably expound on that more in the future, but for now I want to write what happened last night.
I was up late and was getting really hungry. I've been doing a cleansing diet (Isagenix) and wasn't supposed to be eating anything more for the day, but I started bargaining with myself because I was really hungry! So there I am, the only one still awake in the house, I'm on the computer, feeling really hungry and I start thinking through all the possible things in the kitchen I could eat. That's when I come across some emails from a recent retreat I'd been to. The emails were posting some pictures of the retreat and the ones that included me were... surprising. I don't live in complete denial of how heavy I am, but there's got to be at least some partial denial because I didn't expect to see what I saw. I can say it was partly the angle the picture was taken from, or it was the outfit I was wearing (black would have been more slimming), but there is only one excuse for what I saw: I'm really fat! In fact, my first thoughts were "why didn't someone stop me?". As if "people" should have kept me from eating. Considering that I hated it when mom would say "you don't need that"...would I have listened? Some kind of intervention might sound good, but I can't imagine it would have worked. OK, so here I am being shocked over the pictures, but I still need to get to the point where I had my revelation... I'm sitting there looking at pictures of me and being horrified, and at the same time I'm bargaining with myself about what I'm considering eating because my stomach is growling. It took a few minutes, but I finally looked at the two thoughts and decided that they needed to not be separate - I needed to see that one was/would be affecting the other. I'm desperately wishing I was a smaller size, but I'm also still wishing I had something to eat! I'm not stupid. I "know" that my eating affects my size, but sometimes I guess I really put it out of my mind. You know, like when it's convenient. Like when I want to eat something that is only going to add to my waistline (or thighs or butt or arms...pick a body part). So what I had to do was force myself to make the choice: live in the moment and feed my hungry stomach, OR keep the goal in mind and say "no" to food so that being a smaller size could become reality. It was a really hard thing to do! My mind didn't want to accept that it really was one or the other - that it couldn't be both! I finally decided to just go to bed. I didn't even trust myself to prepare a lunch for my daughter's school the next day. I didn't even trust myself to turn on the light in the kitchen! I just walked in the dark right past the items I had bargained about earlier and went to bed, putting them out of my mind.
So, what I guess I learned through all this is how I really need to remember the goal and know how much each of my actions affects whether or not I ever achieve that goal. Sounds simple enough, but my revelation showed how double minded I can be. The scripture "a double minded man is unstable in all his ways" comes to mind. Unstable doesn't sound obese, but that's how it's worked out for me. I'm very good at putting things off until later (yes, I know it's called procrastination), and I think that's part of this double minded thing, too. If I even begin to realize that my eating a particular thing is going to jeopardize my goal of losing weight, my "I'll deal with that later" thing kicks in and relieves me of the current dilemma. How screwed up is that?! Well, realizing the problem is the first step, right? My prayer now is that God would show me when I'm doing this and that He give me the strength to make the connection - then make the right decision. I'm assuming that God is the one to show me this in the first place, so I'll end this first blog appropriately with: THANK YOU, GOD, FOR GIVING ME THIS FIRST OF MANY VICTORIES IN MY BATTLE OVER MY BULGE(S)!
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